ashelleystar

Wow, I haven't posted in forveer. I forgot about my livejournal for awhile, after I was hospitalized last year. I voluntarily admitted myself after a SU attempt, which I won't go into detail about, but it obviously didn't work, and I think I'm happy about that. I'm doing a lot better now.

I've stopped my self-injury. I still have scars on my arm that will probably be there for my lifetime. They won't fade. I've had lots of fading treatment done on them, but blah. Oh well. I can't change the past.

My Anorexia was getting better for awhile, but I'm not sure anymore. I've been really stressed, and it's hard to eat. It's like I can't physically force myself to eat. I just get sick. I'm back down to 92 pounds, and it's kinda scary. I know I want to lose more weight, so I'm not overly worried about the lack of eating because of that. I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I was so close to recovering. I still want to. If anyone is out there and is recovering, please shoot me a message. I'm really struggling.

Otherwise, I guess we'll just see where things go. Maybe I'll be less stressed tomorrow and eat more. I haven't had over 800-1000 calories in a few months, I don't think, minus those few random binge days.

I guess I don't really know where to go from here. I created a blog last year, and I'm working on it again. It's about therapy and depression and getting better, so maybe that'll help. http://darkness-sway.blogspot.com/

My friend and I also made a Eating Disorder Support website. www.ourwasteland.webs.com. I've been working so hard on it for the past week, so I'm really excited. I want to make it really good. I want it to be a safe haven to people. I know nobody is really reading this blog, so it's pointless to try, but if you want, please check it out.

I kinda feel like I'm talking to myself here.

Have had a really bad day today. My brother was accused of a bomb threat, and now he's being an asshole to everyone, especially me. Of course, I yelled back at him, and I got in trouble for it. My mom said I should stop being selfish and not egg him on, when I know he's hurting. She said I was being immature. I could care less. I don't think anyone deserves to be yelled at for no reason. Now, our house will probably be searched, including my room. How embarrasing. And we have to deal with this for the next upcoming weeks.

It kind of sucks to always be in the middle of someone else's shit. I'd like for once not to hear about my brother and how he's been a bastard to everyone, skipping school, doing drugs, getting caught by the poiice, being thrown into jail... now bomb threats.  And what's even more insane and pathetic, is he likes to blame everyone else for getting caught, or for getting in trouble.

It's like... if you just didn't do it or were atleast not as fucking careless, you wouldn't get caught!

I've only had 400 calories today. I'll probably fuck that up and eat another 200, which would suck, but I hope not. I want for once to stay at 400 caloires and not be a fatass. I've never felt more fat in my entire life. 

EDIT: Damn. Had 200 more calories. FUCK. Now it's up to 600, but I think I'm seriously done this time. I'm full and not craving anything and it sucks because I probably gained weight after today. :(

I feel like a big fat failure. Why can't I restrict? I keep failing and messing up and eaitng eating eating over and over. I hate the thought of gaining weight. It's driving me crazy. I'm up to 95. I WAS down to 93. Can you believe that? Finally, I had gotten to an okay number, and i fuck it up.

Tomorrow, I'm starting something new that I can't fail at. I'm eating negative cal foods only, except for one meal a day that's fiber or something, or protein. Already got tomorrow planned. One apple for breakfast. Green beans for lunch. Not sure about dinner yet.

Think this will help?

I don't have time for a long post, since I'm super tired. I purged dinner today, because it was way too many calories to have at one time. I was doing so well, too, but I fucked it up/

I doubt I got all of it up anyway, so it's not like it helped. I didn't really subtract the purged calories from my intake. Total for today is 800 or less. How pathetic and fat. 

I weighed in tonight at 96. Are you kidding me? Two pounds in one day? I'm really hoping it's water weight, and if it is, it needs to go away like... now. If it's not gone in the morning, maybe I'll take a laxative or something. Either way, it's pissing me off.

School is horrible and my teachers hate me, I can tell. Fuck everything. I'm in a horrid mood right now.

So, I'm sick with something that my doctor can't even figure out. It's probably just the flu or an arthritic flare or something. Whatever, I feel like I'm going to die from this pain. Not really, but it hurts like a bitch. All my joints are on fire, and so is my body now. My skin is hypersensitive. I feel dizzy and it's hard to breathe sometimes. 

That's not important. Losing weight is though.

I had around 600 calories today max. Eh. Good? Bad? Who the hell knows. I'd say bad. 

As you can probably tell, I'm so out of it. I feel like I'm about to keel over. I get my blood test results back in the morning. Maybe they can figure out what's going on then. 

Can you believe, though, that my doctor had the nerve to ask me about my weight? He like, pulled his glasses down and stared at me, and then was all "Are you currently maintaning your weight?" And I was like... "Uh, I guess so?", trying to act as if weight wasn't a big deal. I glanced at my step-dad and shrugged, so I didn't have to look at my doctor and give it all away. And my step-dad was like, "Well, you should know. You obsess about it enough."

Thankfully, that was the end of the conversation.  

So, I was away for a week at Blind School. It was more than amazing and I already miss everyone. I don't know what to do now though. I hate coming home. I hate being here with my family. They didn't even ask how my trip was. I don't understand why they just don't care. And they've already gone all into the insane "it's all about me" mode. 

I feel so alone. I went from loudness and crazyness and wonderfulness 24/7 to this. I'm alone. My mom's locked herself in her room, like usual, and everyone else is gone, like usual. I'm always alone.

My eating has been out of control. I probably gained five pounds, and I can tell I've gained. I look so fat. I'll show you pics if you don't believe me. I look exactly like a fat ass pig. My arms are huge and oh man, my thighs are indescribable. I'm alone and fat. Going on a diet next week. Nothing over 600 calories. I'll purge if I do. It'll be like punishment. Sigh.

What do I do now? I feel awkward and weird. 

Anyone out there?

  

I'm done with being fat. My weight has GONE UP. It's killing me. I've been overeating so much, and now look at me: My weight this morning was 94.6. Ugh. That means my real weight is probably like 95.6 (and it's usually higher than that at night after I've binged or something). 

I'm startiing over. I can't restrict properly without feeling the need to binge. I've screwed over my body, I'm sure. So I made a list of rules for myself to kick the COE and start dieting again. 

BTW: Took the Strattera and flipped out. It makes you WEIRD and anxious and suicidal. They should take it off the market.

Ana Rules:

1. No milk (unless it is less than half a tbsp. and for cooking).
2. Max. half a soda a day.
3. One piece of bread a day. 
4. One serving of carbs a day (besides bread)).
5. Limited sugar/dessert. Yogurt instead.
7. Must wait two hours before eating again.
7. No eating after 10 PM.
8. Max. two servings of meat a day. Must be small portions.
9. Beef once a week or less, sausage once a week or less, chicken three times a week or less.
10. No MSG and limited High Frutose Corn Syrup, Enriched Flour, Processed foods, ect.

Wish me luck. ;)

 

I'm having an especially fat day today. I ate like 240 calories in less than an hour. I'm so embarrased to say that. I feel like such a fat fucking pig. Then, I tried to exercise but barely could. I'm horribly pathetic. I know I'll eat a lot later tonight, too. It's what pigs do.

The day so far is not good at all. I went to sleep yesterday at 5 PM, and woke up at 10:30 this morning. Now I feel weird, and I was so pissed at myself and angry and anxious and sad. Not sure why exactly. My mom told me to stay home from school. I guess she doesn't want anything more to 'trigger' me. 

But that's how I failed last year - missing so much school for depression - and I don't want to do it again, not when I'm this close to graduating. I actually wanted to go to class, but I stayed home sick.

Fuck.

EDIT: Am skipping tomorrow too because I'm a fat whore. I feel like a huge ball of anxiety and depression right now. Even my parents can tell I'm going through some mood swing or something. God, I want to fucking hit something. I'm in one of those weird SI moods where cutting doesn't seem intriguing at all. I want to real pain, like banging my head against the wall or hitting my hand until it bruises. What the hell is wrong with me?

So, I fucked up and instead of not eating today, I woke up after only two hours of sleep to my cousin who came over, and he took me to McDonald's. I had a sausage biscuit, and I won't like, it was amazing. ;) So so tasty.

But now I've got to get rid of it, which is the worst part. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Fucking biscuit was 400 calories. Disgusting. I'll have to exercise all damn day. I'll burn 500 calories just to be safe.

Burnt so far: 
150 calories
200 calories 

EDIT: Actually, forget everything. My cousin found out about my cutting and told my entire family and I'm so upset right now. I've binged on everything, and that didn't help the feelings either. I don't know what to do.

So, I basically raided my mom's room yesterday and stole a bunch of pills. I got one Valium, three Hydrocodine, and this is the best part: TWENTY Strattera that my brother never took. Strattera is an ADHD drug. I wish it were Adderall, but I looked it up and it says Appetite Suppressant is one of the side effects, so I'm really excited to try it.

I think I might just steal the whole damn bottle. Nobody would ever know.  

I'll take one tomorrow and then tell you guys how it went. Wish me luch! ;)

Man, I feel so.... alone right now. Nobody's online, nobody's called. My mom and brother are stuck up in their rooms playing on their computers. 

My friend didn't show for lunch today so I  had to sit with his friends all by myself. I didn't really talk, and it was kind of like I wasn't even there, but it felt so awkward and lonely. He'll be there tomorrow, but I don't know if I will. Not that I'm embarrased or anything, just... I don't know. I'm confused.

I feel like I'm doing so horrible in my classes, even though I just made a 100 in Economics (credit recovery) and I can't be doing THAT terrible in Spanish since we haven't done anything. I feel like I'm slipping behind. It's crazy. I'm also really tired, but not sure why, since I got a lot of sleep last night.

Now, I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. Where is everyone? 

Can anyone relate? 

So, I got high at the movies today. It was a totally random thing to do, and I wasn't really into it, but I did. It didn't really work this time. I guess because I just don't want to do it. It's kind of nasty. Plus, I don't want to be a pothead like my brother.

I did smoke Salvia today and tripped out like fuck. I'm going to write down all my trips, so I can remember them, since it's so hard to remember once you're done.

1st trip ever - I felt like I was a balloon, so I asked a friend to hold onto me so I wouldn't float away. 2nd trip - We were in a car, so I felt like the seat became apart of a sidewalk with other people there, and my friends were apart of the sidewalk, too. 3rd trip - A monster (not a bad monster though) came from the backseat into the passanger seat, where I was, and was making it hard for me to talk. I kept trying to speak, but it was holding down on me. I was talking though, despite this monster being all up on me. When I was coming down, my friends said I didn't say a word, just mumbled shit, even though I thought I was talking the entire time. 4th trip - I became a part of a Fiona Apple song, like I could see the letters and words to the song, that I didn't even know, and I was holding onto them. Then, a big light came and it spotlighted on a bunch of kids, who were hiding. It reminded me of the Holocaust, so I tried to scale down the letters and hide where the others were hiding.

 That's it. Pretty kick ass. 

I cut like two days ago. I want to cut now, but I don't know why. It's so addicting. I should.

School was hell. I've never been more embarrased in my life. The teacher sat me down in front of the entire class and told everyone about my blindness and how I was rapidly losing my vision and other bullshit. The kids looked at me like I was insane. 

I had to go to the bathroom twice to cool down. The only thing that kept me through the day, as overdramatic as it sounds, was thinking that when I got home, I could cut. Just the possibility made me sane for the rest of the period. It's all I focused on.

I met up with a friend for lunch, which was nice. The jello however was liquid by then, ew. We're going to freeze it instead.

It'd be nice to bash my head into the wall for awhile. Maybe that will help clear my mind?

I might try it.

I feel sick. Like not throw up or cold/flu kind of sick, but just... icky.  My head is throbbing, and despite the fact that I've eaten, I feel really hungry. Is it possible to feel this bad after two days of almost no nutrients? (I seriously just laughed at what I just wrote). 

Anyway, I want so badly to go into the ktichen and just eat. But I won't. I don't think. I can't even remember what I ate today. Most of it consisted of sugar anyway. No wonder I haven't lost weight. I'm a fucking pig.

I weighed in today at 94.2. That was in the morning. I'm sure it was just water weight, which sucks. I wish it were true.

I start school tomorrow, and I'm really nervous. Not sure why, but I am. However, a friend who will be eating lunch with me has already got the day planned. Most of it involves downing jello shots. And damn does 151 kill me. 

Thank God it's cherry flavour. 

I said yesterday that I'd eat zero iron. Psh, that so dd not happen. My mom made dinner, and blah.... the rest is history. Thankfully though, it wasn't a lot. Probably like 1/5 of the intake I'm supposed to have. Atleast that's good.

Damn, I want to party already. It didn't happen yesterday, and it might not happen today, though if it didn happen today, it'd be drinking only. I guess that's not bad. 

Argh, I feel crazy. I want to lash out or just do something insane. I can't take all this crap in my head. It's driving me nuts. 

You know how some SI'ers deprive themselves of food, nutrients, and/or water? Well, that's sort of like this new plan I have, except yeah, different. My new diet is mostly going to consist of yogurt (which is so low cal). 

I'm eliminating all iron from my diet. Like, this is my thinking. If your body is sick, it burns extra calories. Your body is super sick when you have low iron. Low iron = burning lots of calories.

If this doesn't sound right to you, please don't disagree. It won't change my mind anyway.

But anywho, I'll post every single day and tell you how I'm doing. Oh, and also, I think a friend of mine is having a party soon. Well, okay, not a "party", but it's like a holiday celebration (a.k.a excuse to smoke our asses off). She still has lots of Salvia left, which is a completely safe and legal drug that nobody seems to know about. 

It's amazing... and yet so completely stupid. I hope to do it soon.

So, I'll get right to the point. I've been thinking about creating this for a long time now, just to keep record of all my stupidness (knowing that what I'm doing is wrong is the first step, eh? please). I'll never remember it otherwise, since I usually live in a daze.

Anyway, I'm 18 and I'm partially blind. Not sure why I'm telling you this, but oh well. I also have EDNOS and I suffer from SI. Blah, blah, blah. As if that's important either. But this blog will kind of be about that, along with anything else that's potentially self-destructive, because I guess that's the only thing I do well.

Welcome to my life, I guess (ommigosh, I sound emo. what has my world come to?).