ashelleystar

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Ive been having trouble restricting and purging since my disorder started BUT it was always restriction and purging only came with the occasional binge. Now today i purged every single thing i ate. I hadnt eaten after 630 and my stomach bloated after i drank powerade zero and i started throwing up blood. Im inn so much pain but i dont want a chance of being admitted innto the psych ward or something. Im hurting so badly.

okay so i will go do the salt water flush now i just woke up :)
i will also do a liquid fast for a week if i can, and i will excercise (mild walking) for an hour, plus a little dancing for like 25 minutes everyday.
do you guys think that is enough to lost 3 kilos by thursday? bare in mind that i have been stuck at 51 kgs for a long time now and it isnt changing. so what do you all think?
and if anyone with similar goals would like to join please let me know and we can exchange emails and be serious about this. because am really sick of my weight now.
and also, its getting kind of boring that all the posts are now revolved around food and what people binged on!! =\
so how are you all doing girlies? any good news to inspire me? :)
XXX

Hello everyone :)
I'm new here and just getting back to livejournal from a long time of being away
I would love supportive friends!
Currently I'm 5'9 and a discusting 135 my goal weight would ideally be about 110 (I always dream of being under 100, but I don't think that's possible for my height :/...it sounds so beautiful though) but for now I'll say 125

My history, I suppose I'm EDNOS...sorry it's kind of lengthy, but ive been up and down for about 10 years now :/

I had always been a really small kid growing up. In the 6th and 7th grades I BALLOOOOONED it was repulsive, that is when I met ana...it was almost on accident. I realized rice had no fat so I only ate one cup of rice a day for dinner by the time I was in 10th grade I was 99 pounds (I've always been kind of tall, I think I was about 5'4 because that's what it says on my drivers license)
I kept up this rice diet for almost 3 years 8th-10th, I started getting AWFUL migranes (but I was very niavie and didn't even connect the two) I  went to a few doctors for my migraine it got that bad, I'm presuming it was because of lack of nutrients

Then one sad day- I for some reason remember it so very clearly. I was at the gym and my friends confronted me about having an eating disorder, teachers had previously confronted me but I really haddent realized what I was doing would be considered an eating disorder, even though I was doing it to get skinny. After this day for some STUPID reason I felt like I could eat anything, so I pretty much did, but i stayed active and it didn't get too bad untill...

My freshmen year of college I just got repulsive, I still had this "i can eat anything" attitutue, plus the dinning commons, but the alcohol, plus I did alot more sitting around. Just thinking about it makes me cringe

Then my Sophmore year I think I saw how discusting  I was and started working out like a mad man (2-4 hours a day, usually 75% cardio) and started only consuming about 300-800 cals a day

Then at the end of my sophmore year after a night of talking with friends (under the influense of ecstacy) I started to think i shouldn't be so fixed on working out and eating, cause it was really ruling my life-  I was prob 123ish and like 5'7

Since then it's been a downward spiral, I'm now a senior in college and I still workout sometimes but for the past 8 months or so I have been starving then binging and purging. I HATE IT!  UGHHH I will starve myself then all of a sudden eat eat eat then decide mid-eating that im gonna throw up anyways so I might as well eat some more ITS SO NASTY! I have sadly gained about 10 pounds in this past month and I know this is the reason!

I have to stop, I need control...ahhh beautiful control. So this is why I'm here, i've always been very secretive about my eating or lack there of and I'm hoping that you girls will be able to help me :)

I would love to fast soon! please add me I would love and need the support

Another thing, I really like to drink, which is probably my biggest downfall for fat, my sophmore year of college I stopped drinking for 3 months and dropped 20 pounds....so I have this association that I can never be thin and drink which is so hard for me :( is there anyways....can they make me an alcohol pill! calorie free?!?! what do you girls do about this? or is it just me? is it so gluttonous that I want to drink? I wish I could have both :(

To be honest, I'm not a type of person who overcomes tension or stress through eating.

But I didn't know what's exactly happen to me today. I've had a transport problem and didn't got to see my boy. That shits so much, man. I've planned this day so well and unfortunately I couldn't go. I was angry. So I didn't know I seek something to make me feel better by eating another 2 bowls of spaghetti this morning (while actually I've had ate it a portion before, at 7 am). Amazingly, I haven't feel full yet. I don't know whether it was because the Goddamn taste, or I still feel upset? Three bowls of spaghetti for breakfast. Can you imagine that?

Gosh, I have fast for the 5 days and today my eating appetite has mysteriously coming back to me - I think I'll get fat again! I think I need to do a few days of fasting once more, before I get to see him next time. Of course I don't want him to see me gaining weight. I have to always look slim in front of him.

And now, while writing this I'm having a cup of strawberry yogurt. Hm..

Hey lovelies!!!
So I'm fasting tomorrow, anyone want to with me? Texting buddies??

I purged :( For the first time in a very long time.
Ah well. Tomorrow's another day.

i'm obese. i binged. again. i had control. i was at 160cals. then my mom expected me to eat. and i couldn't stop. i want to fucking cry. 157, to 161. in minutes. my stomach is so huge. it hasn't been this big in ages. it won't go away. i want to die. i've lost it. this is stopping, now. from now on, fasting unless i'm forced to eat. i WILL get control.

so my fast was going great!
i hadn't ate anything in like 3 days
but tonight, for some reason i decided
to be fat and eat.
I really need to fast from now till Sunday or Monday.
Any one up to join.

Oh my God, I'm positively happy. I've eaten like a pig today, but I'm still at a decent weight. And what is that weight? EXACTLY 92 pounds. So, here's the story: My uncle has a girlfriend, who is now our friend. And we went to her house to drop her and her kids off. Well, I dropped something off in the bathroom and I looked down: digital scale. My scale is a spring, so I don't trust it. So i closed and locked the door, stripped down, and stood. 92! So, without food, I'm probably, oh, 90, 91? SO CLOSE T GW1! God, I'm inspired to eat nothing now. I can so do this xx

I've been feeling so guilty lately. Last night my mom tried convincing me to go on vacation to Mexico with the family (a beautiful 5 star hotel). She thinks its insane that I don't want to go. She spent about an hour trying to get me to come and I was all tearing up because I knew how much she wanted me to be there. but I'm just too depressed to go. Later at night my parents went out and when they came back they said they had ordered me a ticket. I told them I didn't want to go and ordering a ticket was stupid... Later at night I told my dad he can cancel it because i'm not coming with them. He didnt. This morning my mom was like, so did you tell work you're not gonna be here this weekend?
me: no...
mom: why not?
me: because I'm working this weekend
mom: but we bought you a ticket
me: I know! I told you I DIDN'T want to go!
I felt so bad because she was practically begging me to come with them. I think she knows our family is breaking apart and doesn't want to believe it. Kinda wants me to go to pretend everything is ok. I told her another time the two of us can do something. I wouldn't even tell her why I didn't want to go but i felt so horrible. She was all like "do it for me... just come..."

For a long time I've wanted to go to really nice vacation spot like this and now its finally happening and I feel kinda crappy for staying here but at the same time I can't see myself going either.

In case you're wondering, The major reason I don't want to go is my dad. I absolutely hate him. During the past week he was a TOTAL jerk to me and my friends who were working on our film at the house - and for NO reason at all. He spoke to me like I was a pile of garbage. I just HATE him SO effing much.
A second factor is me being so utterly huge and having to sit on the beach with a long sleeve shirt and long shorts. This is another reason why I hate warm vacation spots.

I feel like I'm missing an opportunity here that might not come again and I really want to make my mom happy, but at the same time, for the last 2 days I was barely even able to get out of bed. I was falling asleep every 2 hours, feeling so horrible and depressed, and crying.

Oh and the worst part, I tell my mom, It was stupid of you guys to buy me a ticket after I said I don't want to go. You're just wasting money because now you will have to pay cancellation fees...
and my mom goes, it wasn't stupid. I wanted to buy you a ticket because I wanted to think you were coming.


I am such a fucking horrible person. I dont even know why Im crying now. I just want to die

i cant do this! i really , wholeheartidly tried for 2 days but i just CANT RECOVER.

i fail, ana is all i know and ana is my comfort zone. i cant leave ana's side.

its 10:15 pm. I wanted to coninue my fast, but didnt, so i had 2 cups of mushrooms (30), 2 cherry tomatoes (5) low cal soup (45) and some cabbage (5)
total=85 calories.
i took some lax.
i need to be 1 lb down tomorrow. i have to be. I think im gonna go for another fast tomorrow cause saturday i have to eat dinner.
sounds good to me =/
tomorrow im gonna take lax to ...i'll be home alone all day nothing better to do lol ugh.
anyways i really hope i didnt gain from this soup i had at 9:45 pm; hopefully i'll just pee it out before bed lol.
thanks for listening guuys :)

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Ok this has nothing to do with eating disorders but! I found this cool website that I wanted to share with you guys! It's called rent the runway!( google it) Has anyone heard of it? So they rent out designer clothing for alot less! They ship it to you, you wear it, send it back! and you don't pay for shipping. I just wanted to share that with you all! I think it's great! lmao I'm a dork :)

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I'm a vegan. I have been a vegan for nearly a year. But all I want right now is a big fuckoff steak.

And a pizza.

finally winter break, i'm so sick of school.
just not looking forward to christmas dinner with the family on thursday.
watching food network right now, :)
today i've only had diet root beer and a 70-cal chicken soup.
hopefully that will be it for today.
finally got to weigh myself: 85.8 lbs!
gonna try really hard to do good this week.
i have been so tired today.
christmas shopping tomorrow!